


Short one shots on Jay's life.

by Littlesunflower24



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 10:41:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19271602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlesunflower24/pseuds/Littlesunflower24
Summary: Short one shots on Jay's life. I feel like they haven't given us much infromation on Jay's past. Here is just little bit's a pieces I've wrote.





	1. Letter's from home

Chapter 1.

Letter's from home. 

 

Mail day was always something everyone looked forward to. Gathering around together as last names were called, a piece of home, letter’s or picture from loved ones, a small piece of happiness in the dark world we were living in. I always sat back and watched the faces of the men and woman around me, most of the time they were full of smiles and tears of happiness. Afterwards they would all share what was written in their letters, relishing in the moment. A moment when they could imagine their lives at home, and not here, in the middle of a war. It was a few minutes of pure happiness and joy, but it never lasted long. Before they knew it, they were back to reality and the chaos that surrounded us all. I, myself never got to experience that, nobody wrote to me and honestly, I never expected anyone to. I left without so much as a good bye, and the only people who knew where I was, didn’t want me to be there. That doesn’t mean it ever got easier. I longed for my name to called, to hear them yell “Halstead,” but to no avail, it never did. Sure, it hurt to know that my father and brother knew where I was, had my mailing address, yet still couldn’t manage to scribble a few words down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope with a stamp and walk it out to their mailbox. I had contemplated writing them myself, asking them why they hadn’t reached out to me. I knew the first few years I was overseas, they were pissed that I had enlisted, but it shocked me that six years had gone by and I hadn’t heard a thing.  Had I really meant that little to them? Didn’t they want to know if I was even alive? Those questions haunted me for a while, but I quickly grew to not care. If they actually gave a crap about me, they would have tried right? So, I took that resentment and anger and threw it into my work, which only made me a better soldier. I decided that if nobody back home cared if I made it back, then maybe I should do my job and not care myself. That was when things got dangerous. I was already a ranger by that time, and mouse was a very close friend of mine. We worked alongside each other quite often, and if he wasn’t there to keep me in check, I would have come home in a casket a long time ago. We went through a lot together, and he came to my rescue when I let myself get kidnapped. Looking back on that day now, I cringe. I walked into shack with a death wish. I knew what was waiting for me, I mean logically I knew, but the man I was then didn’t care. I was doing what was best for my team, because I knew that if I had walked in there myself, they would torture me and try their hardest to get information out of me, but I was trained well, I would give my life before giving anything up. Had my whole team walked in there, we would have been ambushed and who knows how many of us would have made it. It was my life, or the possible lives of 6 other men who were husbands, brothers, dads, and son’s. Who had people at home who wanted them to come back and who loved them unconditionally. It took a while for my team to locate and extract me, by that time I was barely hanging on. Other than some severe bruising, lacerations and some broken ribs I was fine, but mentally I was having a tough time dealing with it. I healed up quickly and was ready to join the fight again, I mean I had been through and seen worse in the time I was there, but Mouse could tell I was reaching my limit. And I almost had reached my limit, that was until the next mail day, Shock rang through my body after hearing my name called. Not just for one letter but for six. I grabbed the letters and walked towards the bench I had just been sitting on. None of the letters were from my father or my brother, but from the families of the 6 men on my team who I saved that day. As I read them, I felt the tears pooling behind my eyes, like a dam about to burst. I looked up and realized that blood didn’t make family because the men sitting beside me…..they are and always will be my family. I didn’t need letters from home to feel like someone cared about me, because my whole team did.


	2. Where were you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short one shot of Jay losing his mother.

Chapter 2.

Where were you?

 

_“You were never there. All that shit fell on me man”_ I looked at my brother and shook my head as my gaze shifted to the drink in my hand. _“Mom was dying and where were you? You were off partying.”_  I stayed, I watched my mom die, and I watched my father completely lose himself when she did. I stayed behind and I was there for all of it. Will on the other hand, went off with friends to go party and live his life. Like none of us at home even mattered to him. _“Why the hell do you think I enlisted? There was nothing left here for me, at least over there I felt like I had a purpose.”_ I resented him for it, for not having been there, for not having witnessed what I did. Losing my mom was the end of everything for me. She was the one piece that was holding this family together and without her, we completely fell apart. I could tell that Will wanted to say something, but he couldn’t bring himself too, because he knew as well as I did that no excuse would be good enough.

That day is one that will be with me forever, watching the last bit of light she had in her eyes before it faded to complete darkness. The constant beeping in the background turned into one steady long beep and my stomached dropped It was then that I knew it was over. She was gone, for good, not coming back. I sat there and held her limp, cold hand watching as they unplugged the machines she was currently connected too. I wanted to tell them to stop, to ask them to do whatever they could to bring her back, but she asked for this. She didn’t want any extraordinary measures taken and I felt like my heart was being pulled in two ways, slowly ripping in half. “We’ll give you some time” the nurses said as they exited the room. The second the door closed I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath, the tears came streaming down my cheeks. I tried so hard to hold back, but my body had taken control. I stared at her for what felt like hours, still unable to believe that she was really gone. I gently let go of her hand and sat it on the bed beside her standing to my feet. I couldn’t be in this room any longer. I leaned over the bed placing a soft kiss to her forehead and backed away before turning on my heel and heading for the door. I grabbed the handle and threw it open all but running out the door. The second the cool breeze hit me I sucked in a deep breath allowing it fill my lungs. It was a beautiful day; the sun was shinning and there was a calmness in the air. I aimlessly walked through the parking lot knowing full well I had no where to go. My dad was completely lost, blaming anyone and everyone for something that none of us had any control over. Probably drowning himself at the nearest dive bar, and my brother was gone. While I hated him for not being here, I understood because the weight of having to watch your mother take her last breath, it was too much.


	3. Goodbye Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Jay never really grieved his father's death, and that chapter was never closed for him.

Chapter 3

Good Bye

 

 _“I wish I could say sorry, for the hurtful things I said to you”_ I looked down at the grave just below me. _“We… we didn’t get to fix things, and I, I thought we had time”_ sucking in a breath I took a seat on the grass and crossed my legs. “I just wish I had known; I wish that you” pausing I sucked in a deep breath fighting back the tears that threatened to escape. _“that you would have told me, god…. why couldn’t you have just told me?”_ The tears broke free and raced down my cheeks at a rapid rate, I couldn’t control them. I tucked my head in my hands and let the sobbing continue. Tears soaking the collar of my shirt as they poured down my cheeks.  I knew I had never really let myself grieve when it came to my father. I believed I didn’t need to, that we never really had a relationship so why should I. He didn’t give a shit about me so why should I care about him. When I found those pictures in his drawer, ones of me graduating the police academy, and me in the news paper for doing my job, I knew he did care but for some reason he never told me. If he would have just told me, just once that he was proud of me, that he did care, maybe things could have ended differently. Maybe he would still be here today, and maybe we could have had a relationship, ….  Or maybe I could have had a father. I hated myself for many years because of him. I put my life on the line overseas when there was really no reason too, because I didn’t believe anyone would have cared if I came back or not. I lifted my head once the tears slowed and let out a small sigh. “ _You know, I never wanted anything more than for you to even act like you gave a crap. For you to be there, when I left to go to Afghanistan, when I came home, when I graduated and became a police officer, but you never did. I needed you when I came back home. I didn’t have anyone; I was so lost_ ” I swallowed the lump in my throat and let a few tears run down cheeks, being this vulnerable was killing me. Even if nobody was actually here in person to see me in this state, I felt like I was sitting naked in front of a crowd of people. “Y _ou never tried to reach out or anything. I know nothing can be done about it now, but I almost feel more bitter towards you”_ I looked down at my fingers rubbing them together “ _You knew, you were there in the shadows, to much of a coward to actually show face. Maybe it was your pride, maybe you were scared. I will never know why or what your intentions were_ ” I lifted my hands and wiped my cheeks, the marks from my tears still very much present. “I _’m sorry, I wish that things had ended differently between us, but there is nothing that can be done now. I just wanted to come here and say that… I forgive you”_ sucking in a shaky breath, I slowly let it out closing my eyes. “ _I forgive you for everything, because that is the only way I can move on from this, that I can let this go. I will have my own family someday, and while you never showed me how to be a father. You sure as hell showed me how not to be. I will be better for my kids, for my wife. I will be the man I wish I had growing up_ ” I uncrossed my legs and moved to a crouching position looking at the grave stone directly in front of me, before standing to my feet. _“Bye dad_ …” I gave it one last glace before turning on my heels and walking towards my truck. This chapter has been one I’ve needed to close for some time now. I wish I had more answers but I’ll never get them. The best I can do is forgive and forget and be better for my own family in the future, be the man they deserve.

**Author's Note:**

> I know these have been extremely short. I just wanted to get something out there and see if this is something you'd be interested in reading!


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